Summer in Germany, pt. 1 - Why?

I suppose the first question for me is always why, and most of the time the answer to that bright exposed question is following along in the shadows, like a sidekick that just won’t get lost, always ready to retort, I don’t know, why not?
That’s the answer I find when I ask myself, why a blog? And why now? I’ve been the proprietor, more slumlord than caring landskeeper, of the nicolabullock tumblr domain now for several years. I post, unreliably, of the dance and theater shows I find myself part of, invoking the gods of last-minute random internet popularity to rain their blessings down on me in the form of followers and subscribers to the blog posts I put almost no effort into. Alas, the gods haven’t been generous in sending me followers, but then again I haven’t exactly been going to church much either. The last time I posted on here was more than a year ago, about the sexy, edgy, hip, did I mention sexy? show I starred in (see last post).
That post pretty much sums up what I believe is the purpose of a blog, or to help in the maintaining of ones image as doing Very Important Things (like art) that preferably are sexy, edgy, and hip.
So the retort ‘why not keep a blog’ has its own retort, which is that the next few months of my German life might not be any of these things, at least not in a sixty second endlessly watchable circuit of smooth wet skin. The place I will be spending most of my time, and the reason I am here - a dance school/camp/residence/intensive called Ponderosa- is for the experience of being challenged in how I understand art and art-making, not just in the studio, but also in life. It’s a Very Important Thing only to myself, and it is deeply important. There’s a certain terror in admitting how acutely I experience the significance of my being here, nestled alongside the awareness that only because I lack am I capable of this much want.
I don’t know the specifics of what’s to come at Ponderosa, how I am going to struggle, change, and rejoice, or what I will look like in the end, but now is not the time for holding in or holding back. I am inspired to take up space, to be seen on this journey. That, and a desire to document this experience, is the answer to the question I posed at the beginning of this essay.
My hope is that I am able to write a few good posts. I aim for quality over quantity (I have little say over quantity anyway, as Ponderosa had no wifi and me no smartphone), and to remain as fearless and honest about this experience - ugly, awkward, joyful, irritating, and even the hip and sexy - as I can.
xo
nicola